The World Through My Eyes

My life seems to get better and then get worse right after. Kinda like a seesaw, one minute I’m flying through the air wind in my hair and a huge smile on my face and then next minute I’m free falling to the ground, hitting hard on my ass and walking funny the next day because of it. Life is anything but fair, if I’ve learned anything it’s definitely that. But also that it’s worth fighting for if you truly believe deep down that something good can come from it. The people I know who are wallowing in the despair of life believe that there isn’t anything else out there for them, that they’ve hit rock bottom and the hole is to deep to dig out of. Life is hard for me, I won’t deny it and I won’t deny that I used to be one of those pit of despair people who clung to self pity like gross old lady perfume hangs in the air hours afterwards. Now however I believe that I have something more to live for, I have other people to live for as well, and those people deserve my absolute best attempt at living. But back to the seesaw effect, I think that this is karma and that balance comes into effect. for some people is seems like good circumstances rain down on them 24/7 and maybe it does, but regardless I believe that balance still needs to be met. So for those people the balance effect may just be paused for now, but eventually it will come. For me I think Karma likes to take her debt up front every time, maybe its because my credit score sucks so bad, who knows? But this is what I believe, so good things happen to me and almost immediately a bad thing happens after. Although these bad things usually aren’t catastrophic they still suck. I guess that’s how I’m looking at my current situation, and it does actually add the silver lining thing and make it seem not so bad. Clearly I’m rambling now, but I felt the need to express my balance belief.

Sometimes I feel stupid when I’m with Tom. Like we’re not on the same level, which I guess we’re aren’t really. He’s had 5 more years of schooling then me, not to mention he had a different life than me growing up. His parents gave him the tools to be a smarter person. He’s logical, philosophical and on the brink of being a computer genius. He is 100% smarter than me, I guess I just never really thought of it. There are times when I feel like he “dumbs” stuff down for me, like a 3rd grader. And there was that one f***ing idiot incident, which now makes me think that he truly believes I’m a moron. Which then makes me question as to why he’s with me. I know it shows bad character that that’s how I’m thinking, but it’s begun to bother me. I don’t need to be smarter than him, I just wish that I was knowledgeable like he was. I feel like I have to work 10 times harder to keep up sometimes. And it makes me wonder how long it’ll be until he gets bored with me and my unacknowledged ways.He’s says that the stuff he knows really isn’t important, but to me it’s more about the fact that he knows it. And what do have to bring to the table? my “art”? if I ever have the attention span to actually finish a project. Maybe he just expects me to be the trophy wife and pop out his kids for him. Which really I couldn’t blame him for that if its true. What else do I know? I”ve got tattoo’s which he hates, I love the outdoors which he does not, I read all the time which he also does not partake in….It just scares me that one day he’ll find someone more compatible with his personality.

I told him one day that I wouldn’t know what to do without him….his reply was in summary: I would never want to burden someone with that, It’s not fair to ask/tell someone that, they can’t possibly be there all the time. And I learned a long time ago to never depend on anyone but myself.

Which of course made me feel weak and stupid all at once. Because of course the one thing that I should have learned from my mother was to never count or depend on anyone but myself. I was stupid enough to attach myself so strongly to him that if he were to leave me it would destroy me, and it would only be my fault for giving him that power. But i guess eventually I’d move on and deal. It just worries me a lot, and I know I’m just getting on his nerves when I voice these feelings to him. So I’ve just decided to not tell him these things and pray that I don’t screw it all up. I just hope I’m enough to keep him happy.

I’m just going to stop telling people my problems. Why should I? Not like any of them really care, they’re all probably just thanking God they don’t have my issues. And it’s not like any of them can actually change anything. And I never feel better after I tell someone, I just feel like an ass for venting and throwing my problems on someone else. And I’m sure tom of all ppl is sick and tired of hearing about my bulkshit life, he’s already stressed enough with his own stuff, why add to it. So from now on my answer will be I’m fine, just like it was back in high school. The isolation wasn’t the greatest but at least I don’t have to worry about anyone judging Me or feeling sorry for me.

So Tom told me that he was in love with me tonight, and even though we tell each other at least a dozen times a day ” I love you” it holds no comparison to him saying that he’s in love with me. I don’t think my heart could swell any larger with love right now. It meant the world to read those words tonight. And even though we have our differences I cant imagine anything better than becoming his wife and building a life and a family with him. God has given me the one thing I’ve been praying for since I could remember: someone who loves me, even though I’m not the best person. Or the prettiest or skinniest, he excepts me for who I am and never tries to change me. He is my miracle, my inspiration and the very center of my soul. Without him I would be nothing.

Tom left for North Carolina this morning. And I miss him more than anything right now. Last night saying good bye to him was so hard, and the night before I cried for a while in his arms. I never thought it would be so hard to let him go, even for a week. Honestly I thought that the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder crap would be good for us just because it’s healthy to have time apart, but I’m thinking that whole idea is a bunch of bull because I’m seriously hurting right now. I feel like a part of me is missing. He’s become so much a part of me in the past sixth month that this time apart is torture. I just can’t wait to see him again. I’d give anything to hear his steady heartbeat as I lay next to him, or feel his arms around me while we sleep. 11 days until I see him again…….I pray I’m strong enough.

Tomorrow will be me and Toms first valentines day, as well as my very first official one ever. I realize that it really isn’t a huge deal, but this day symbolizes a lot. I’m usually a total Scrooge on this day, and don’t want anything to do with anyone. I’m also usually extremely lonely and self pitying on this day too. I’m so happy to not feel like that anymore. Not that thats the man reason for having a boyfriend of course but it is a perk. Although I must admit that everyday is valentines day with him. He completes me, and I couldn’t possibly ask fit anything more than the happiness he gives me everyday. My only wish is to be this in love with him forever. I would be nothing if I lost him now.